A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)
pax
Post subject: Re: From the inbox.
Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:15 pm
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1966 ...
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Oh Bugger!!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." Hmmm.....Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?
pax
Post subject: Re: From the inbox.
Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:17 pm
It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7 - 365 days a year.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ....
My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant!!!!!
(please don't hit me)
pax
Post subject: Re: From the inbox.
Posted: Tue May 17, 2011 2:30 pm
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
My mate's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,”Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me, I know this face, but I can't put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard ... it's me!"
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe.
Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
pax
Post subject: Re: From the inbox.
Posted: Tue May 17, 2011 2:32 pm
A fart is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song......
A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while.......
A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces .. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you!
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